10 Real Reasons Men Cheat That They’ll Never ‘Fess Up To
Given the recent news regarding men and their inability to keep their peckers inside their pants (think Arnold Schwarzenegger), we have been doing a lot of thinking about sex, men and monogamy.
The Sperminator joins a long list of philanderers who have all suffered from the same condition, too much blood going to the wrong head; consider: Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, David Letterman, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Jesse James…the list goes on.
At this point, you might be wondering why we didn’t include Dominique Strauss Kahn on our list, given that his history of philandering is well documented and he’s currently all over the news.
Well, for the likes of him, the term philanderer may be too genteel. If the sexual-assault charges against DSK prove to be factual, he is simply a low-life criminal of the sexual-predator variety.
Back to the philanderers. According to Dr. Kat Hertlein, a Marriage & Family therapist and an Assistant Professor at the University of Nevada, approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage. This isn’t a new phenomenon that has resulted from today’s “over-sexualized” environment; even back in the prim and proper 1950s, the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of married men in the U.S. had cheated at some point during their marriages.
We bet that the percentage of cheating husbands increases exponentially when you’re talking about powerful and/or well-known married men who, because of their social status or positions, have increased opportunities to cheat (women are attracted to powerful men and powerful men tend to spend more time outside the home).
Many of these famous fornicators, when caught, issue half-assed statements about how deeply sorry they are to have hurt their family, how their childhood messed them up or how they’re solely responsible for their despicable actions. Blah, Blah, Blah!
Who are they trying to fool? The real reason they’re sorry is because they got caught with their pants down. Do you really think they blame themselves for their predicament? According to our research, most men, when they’re being honest, admit that they cheated on their wives because “the chemistry was gone,” “because she ignored me” or “because there was too much drama.”
We’ve translated this horse shit into the “10 Real Reasons Why Men Cheat,
But That They’ll Never ‘Fess Up To” (basically a list of what men would say if they were being really honest with us and themselves):
1. She nags me for leaving my stuff around the house, for leaving the toilet seat up and for not cleaning up after myself in the kitchen. Isn’t a man’s home supposed to be HIS castle?
2. She serves me leftovers for dinner instead of preparing me a romantic dinner every night.
3. She repeatedly asks me why I love her, and then she expects me to talk about the “whys” ad nauseam.
4. She constantly makes me switch the TV channel from Star Sports to Lifetime, and then she wants me to stay and watch the “Movie of the Week” with her.
5. She makes me take holidays with her mother; she knows I hate that hag.
6. She constantly asks me if she’s gotten fat and then gets mad when I tell her “yes.” I’m confused; I thought she ALWAYS wanted me to be honest with her.
7. She withdrew sex for one week because I got home late from my “boys night out.” Is she forgetting that these guys were my friends before she was my wife?
8. She gives me the silent treatment whenever I happen to look at another pretty woman. Hey, it’s biological; I can’t help it.
9. She refuses to put on the S&M outfit I got her for her birthday. I spent a lot of time picking that out!
10. She doesn’t give me blow jobs in the car like she used to when we were dating. She’s just not fun anymore.
For these f#*%ing philandering fellows, any excuse is a good one as long as it lets them go around dipping their joystick anywhere they can.
For our part, we just want to scream at them: “GROW UP!’